I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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