at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
