I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
