can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
