you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
