I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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