Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
