I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
