The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
