He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
