He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
