The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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