her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
