Is it normal to miss your booty call?
this beer tastes like vomit already
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize