Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
