Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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