I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just pynch a tree in the face
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
