I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
