I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
