Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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