there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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