I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
