The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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