Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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