Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You need a sexual gate keeper
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
