Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
