Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
