but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
