you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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