spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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