Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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