The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
