Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
