Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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