Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
