in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
