made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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