He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I could fuck to npr.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
