We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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