Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
