Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
