never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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