I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
there is puke in my bra ... again
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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