from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
