Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
