I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
