I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
