he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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