If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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