The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
