Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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