Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
