i just wanna soil my oats bro
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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