If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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