I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Randomize
