He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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