I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
