why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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