My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
