Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
